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luke garroway

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Mindy's pretty sure that the fine line between friends with benefits and an actual relationship lies somewhere in spending the night, something she's found herself doing a little more often than not after hooking up with Luke, and something she can't help but think about a lot.

With Brendan, it was much easier. Largely because she'd followed Jeremy's rule of the guy she was having sex with being someone she could barely respect. Sure, she came around to liking him a hell of a lot more when he saved Morgan's life and all, but Luke might just be one of the nicest guys she's ever dated. Or, not dated. Slept with. A lot. And spent the night with. A lot.

And for a while, it was fine. The sex was amazing – still is amazing, honestly, what would be the point of a casual turned non!casual hookup if the guy was average in bed – and Mindy could delude herself into thinking it was a relationship once in a while. Until, of course, she remembers why she fell into all of this to begin with. Danny, of course, and the plane and the kiss and his refusal to be anything but friends when it was so hard to even get him to be her friend to begin with. It's easy enough to dismiss that, to know he'll never want her like that, but then the letters.

Letters that have come to nothing but leaving her cold and sad on Valentine's Day, feeling like a fucking idiot in her hot, red dress on a boardwalk and basically getting kicked out of a magic show. Still, all of it is so romantic, and so what Mindy's wanted her entire life. It's the escape and excuse she needs, because it would be so easy to be with Luke and she'll never have Danny, maybe this is the bonus option behind door number three: the easiest one, of course, when they've yet to meet.

But nothing is ever that simple, and Mindy's pretty used to being the one that's let down easily instead of it being her job. Casey might have been the only exception, save for dick sports lawyers with coke addictions and five girlfriends in four different cities at the time – beside the point. The thing is, she's still sleeping with Luke and she's still thinking about her secret admirer and it's just not right. But it is easy. And while she's worked her ass off to get to where she is professionally, she's more than a little guilty of taking the easy path when it comes to romance – or not!romance – and never letting things end when they should.

In another world, she's totally married to Tom with his eight babies, she's pretty sure.

But here, she's in Luke's bed all over again, morning light shining in and drenching her in a reality that's conveniently easy to forget at night when it's all skin on skin. Luke's not even around when she turns over and for a moment all Mindy can do is stare at the ceiling, wondering why she couldn't stick to bad relationships with bad men.

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Admittedly, Luke doesn't have a wealth of experience when it comes to relationships. He's spent his whole life hung up on Jocelyn, doing his best not to pressure her or act as if he was waiting for her, never wanting her to think that was the only reason he stayed. Beyond being desperately in love with her, she's also always been his best friend, and he's never wanted to sacrifice that.

But it has also meant a certain level of disconnect from potential romantic relationships. There's only been two women before Mindy and only one of them lasted for any significant length of time, because in the end it's always come back to Jocelyn. She isn't here, but he still spends much of his time thinking about her and thinking about the things he's missed out on while waiting for something to change.

For a time, he thought he might be moving on, that Mindy might be that person, but he can only delude himself for so long. Whatever it is he wants, she doesn't want the same thing.

He's making coffee when he hears her stirring and he returns to the bedroom several moments later, two steaming mugs in his hands. He's wearing his jeans, but nothing else, and suddenly he wishes he'd given them both time to get dressed. But there's really no avoiding this any longer. "Good morning," he says, offering her one of the mugs.

The sight of a shirtless Luke is at least one of the biggest contributing factors to the fact that this weird not!relationship has dragged on as long as it has. Mindy is all about lusting for that flesh and, as she sits up and straightens her hair as best she can without a mirror and a ton of styling products, she can't help but sigh a little wistfully. He's so a ten. She has no idea why it's her that he's drawn to, all delusions of grandeur aside. Not only is he crazy bangable hot, he's also such a goddamn gentleman. The second part has not historically been her type. "Hey, thank you," Mindy says, warming her hands with the mug. "Are you off to work?"

He glances toward the clock as he sits down on the bed and says, "I have an hour yet before I need to open the store." Normally that would give him a chance to crawl back into bed with her, even if it's only to lie there for a little while, but as it is he stays where he's sitting, his mug of coffee between his hands, his hands held loosely between his knees.

Here he is, thirty-seven years old, and he's never done anything like this. His first relationship had ended because he'd left the pack, his second because she had gotten sick of his inability to let Jocelyn go. He's never had to be the one to do this, but it's for the best. That much he's very sure of.

"I did want to talk to you, though," he says and he knows how that sounds, like some kind of line. "I think... I think we need to."

It's not the first time Mindy's heard such a thing, guy perched on the edge of her bed after maybe ill advisedly placating her with coffee. It's just that she's not expecting it from Luke, for him to be the one to want to talk about this. After all, hadn't she been the catalyst? Mug placed on the bedside table and all-but-forgotten, Mindy nods. "Yeah," she agrees. "Okay."

Over the past several weeks, he's given this a lot of thought, more than he suspects some people might. It's partly due to the fact that Luke has never done anything like this, but partly because he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Himself included.

Whatever he might want, it seems like that is likely to happen regardless, because he already has a fairly good idea how this is going to end.

"I know I haven't told you a lot about Jocelyn, but that's because... I spent twenty years waiting for her to change her mind," he says, measuring his worlds carefully. "And I don't know who it is you're waiting for, but I think you need to ask yourself if they're really worth it."

"I'm not waiting for anyone," Mindy says, but the moment she does, it feels like a lie. She had come to Luke because the one person she'd wanted in that moment she couldn't have, because the person she'd wanted most had surprised her most of all. All of those memories, all of those relationships fallen apart, somehow it had been Danny's rejection that had hurt the most. She still can't bring herself to say it's him, nor the anonymous letters. Instead, she ends up sounding kind of fucking desperate. "I thought you wanted this, too. I thought you were okay with just... casual."

He isn't, as it turns out, but he's not sure that's really the point. There is someone she's waiting for and Luke is certain that's the only thing preventing this from becoming something more than just casual, that if a part of Mindy wasn't completely wrapped up in someone else -- or even just the idea of someone else -- this would be able to become something bigger.

Or maybe he's wrong about that, too, but Luke has spent far too long in love with one person to really be able to do something casual for the rest of his life.

"Maybe I thought I was, but I'm not," he says, his voice gentle. "This isn't... I've always wanted to get married and have a family and I know those things likely aren't in the cards for me now, but I don't think the alternative of casual is right for me either. And it's okay if there's someone else. I more than understand that."

Mindy wants marriage and a family more than just about anything, she'd almost had it with Casey, and isn't that why she fell into Luke's bed in the first place? All of those memories all at once, the reminder of how far she'd come back home and yet still managed to lose it all. Like she always does.

And now here's Luke, the most perfect guy, and he wants what she wants – but she can't commit to him? It's backwards and fucked up and Mindy reaches to rub at her temples, wishing she could will away this moment and whatever's forced Luke to come clean about how he feels. Or, doesn't feel.

Of course, she's not Dorothy, and clicking her heels together won't take her away from this. "I really like you, Luke," Mindy says, slow, after a long pause. "When I came onto you at that bar I had just... had one of the worst days of my life. I just wanted to feel wanted. And you gave me that. And you've given me that. And I don't want that to end but... I don't know that I can give you what you deserve." She swallows hard and looks away, like a coward. "I'd always be thinking of what might have been, even if... it never is."

With Danny, or with her admirer, she isn't sure. Whoever, or whatever, it is, it's not fair to Luke. He's too good of a guy to get wrapped up in her mess.

She doesn't say a name, she doesn't even openly admit there's someone else she's waiting for, but she says enough. For a man who has spent the better part of twenty years hoping for someone in particular to love him, he knows exactly what it means and he smiles gently. It is okay. Maybe it hurts a little, something in his chest aching, but it isn't as though he's never felt it before. When he had asked Jocelyn to marry him, when he'd promised to take care of her and Clary for the rest of their lives if she would let him and the expression on her face had been so controlled, so careful, he had felt his heart break.

This isn't like that. Mindy isn't Jocelyn and he isn't whoever has her heart. And that's okay.

"Is he here?" he asks. If Jocelyn were here, he has to believe he'd be in the same position, still dedicating himself to her and her safety, still wondering if maybe one day she might change her mind. It isn't fair, he knows it isn't fair and so he's always done his best since that failed marriage proposal to act only as her friend. But there's still always been a part of him that's wanted to believe things might be different eventually.

"It's complicated," Mindy says, because with Danny, he's here, but not the man that kissed her. Not the man that would kiss her. And whoever wanted her to wear red on Valentine's Day could, for all she knows, just be a cruel prankster. Maybe he's here and maybe he's not. It's not fair to Luke to wait while she figures it out, but she still can't help the hot tears that spring to her eyes at the thought of another thing ending. Maybe she'll never get her beginning. "I'm sorry."

It hurts, there's certainly no denying that, but he doesn't want Mindy to be upset for him. If there's anything he understands, it's the desire to find something real, something that makes a person feel as if they've found the one place in the world where they truly belong. He can't fault her for that.

"So am I," he says. "But it's alright. We'll both be alright."

"I hope so," Mindy says, blinking back the tears she decides she has no right to shed. It's not a breakup, or so she tries to convince herself, it's just a mutual agreement between... friends? God, she hopes they can still be friends. And she knows guys never mean that when they break up with her.

But it's not a breakup. Right?

"I guess I should..." Mindy trails off, gesturing at her scarcely dressed self. She's gotten surprisingly comfortable with him, no need for smoke and mirrors and trying to hide.

Luke nods, then reaches out with his free hand and cups her cheek before he leans in to kiss her. Whatever else is going on in her head, he does like her, he's liked her from the start. So this won't continue and maybe they'll both find the person they're meant to be with, but he doesn't want her to walk away from this thinking she isn't wanted or isn't cared for.

"Alright," he says a moment later, then offers a smile. "You can still invite me to your parties, though. I do enjoy watching Danny with all his wet wipes."

Mindy sighs into the kiss, because she can't help it. Whether this is the right thing or not to do, she's still going to be sad. She smiles, though, at the idea of him still attending her parties. The idea of them still being friends. Historically, she hasn't really kept on good terms with her exes, but since this wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, she decides they don't have to stick to the rules of that and hate each other, or whatever. "I'll make sure you're invited to every one. Not even just to be polite."

"Thank you," he says, then smiles at her faintly, and perhaps this is overstepping, but Luke thinks there's probably little he could do now that might worsen the situation. Mindy isn't going to come away from this hating him, just as he isn't going to walk away hating her.

But he can say this. Because he means it.

"Whoever they are, I hope they come to their senses soon enough." Over the past several weeks, he's begun to cultivate some ideas, but he doesn't know how accurate they are. Whatever the case, he does hope this for her. She deserves that.

If Mindy knew who they were, for sure, she'd probably have something to say, but instead she just nods, getting to her feet and starting to get ready to leave. She really should have something in return, though, Luke has been so damn good to her. This might be the most mature breakup she's ever had. Probably because she's not even sure if it's technically that. Pulling her sweater over her head, she turns back to Luke. "I hope you find someone that has the sense to appreciate you, too. You're a really great guy, Luke."

He thinks of Jocelyn then, thinks of the way he'd been with her for such a long time without expecting anything, just being with her because he couldn't stand the thought of not seeing her every day.

He wants to try, but the truth is that he doesn't know if he'll ever find someone to be with. Not in the way he wants.

But instead of saying that, he smiles. "I hope so, too," he says.

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